Horror movies have stereotypes and the one that is reliably present in nearly every one is the jerk.  He’s that guy or lady that you love to hate.  If done well, you’re sad when he/she leaves.  I present to you: Horror jerks of the eighties

 

TJ MBV

WHO? TJ is a jerk. He moved out to California to make it big in …. something and failed miserably. So he has to return with his tail between his legs to his hometown of Valentine Bluffs. When he gets there he has to go back to working in the mines. He also finds that his girl has moved on and is with someone else. So what does he do? He whines about it and picks fights with just about everybody in the town. TJ has a chip on his shoulder and he’s a jerk.

WHAT’S HE LIKE? TJ is an annoying jerk. He’s created the circumstances he finds himself in and he isn’t happy about it. So everybody has to hear about it. His former best friend Axel is in his path only because Sarah (TJ’s former love) turned to Axel for comfort. Paul Kelman is likable enough as TJ. but the character is such a louse! by the end of the film I was rooting for TJ, but ultimately I don’t like him and I hope he dies.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIM DIE? YES

 

Glazer

WHO? Glazer is a tough guy. He just likes to pick on kids smaller and more awkward than he is. So throughout The Burning Glazer is constantly picking on the weird and socially inept Alred.

WHAT’S HE LIKE? I actually like Glazer quite a bit. Although he picks on Alfred in The Burning, I kinda think Alfred deserves it (Alfred is a bit of a creep). Glazer also isn’t your typical bully. He doesn’t seem to be a coward and he isn’t rude to the ladies. As played by Larry Joshua, he’s a joy to watch (especially with that thick Brooklyn accent). Glazer, I salute you!

DO YOU WANNA SEE HIM DIE? NO

 

Buddy Repperton

WHO? Buddy is the definition of a stereotype.  He is a “biker” dude with a switchblade, leather digs, and jet black hair.  In fact, if you weren’t looking hard enough you might even mistake him for John Travolta in Grease. Like Glazer, he likes to pick on weaklings and slice up school lunches.

WHAT’S HE LIKE?  Unlike Glazer, Buddy is a bad dude.  He obviously has a small dick and he’s very mad about it. He just wants to wreak havoc and hurt others.  William Ostrander plays him pretty well I guess.  I absolutely hate him.  I can’t stand watching the scenes he’s in so that is either a success on Ostrander’s part or a failure.  There’s no joy in seeing him on screen so I can’t wait for him to leave.


DO YOU WANT HIM TO DO?
YES

 

WHO? Judy is the girl who knows she’s hot.  She grew boobs last summer and now she thinks she’s hot shit.  All the boys like her and all the girls want to be her.about right?

WHAT’S SHE LIKE? Unfortunately, Judy is a lot like Buddy Repperton.  She has a bad attitude for no reason in particular.  She wants to hurt and embarrass others, probably to cover up for her insecurities.  Karen Fields plays her perfectly.  She knows exactly what kind of role she’s in and you love every minute.  Her words drip with venom and she practically struts across the movie sets.  Still, you can’t wait to see her go and when she does …. my god is it beautiful.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE HER DIE? IN AN EXTREMELY VIOLENT WAY PLEASE

 

bubba maxOverdrive

WHO?  Bubba is a schemer.  He’s a swindler.  He’s always looking to make a quick buck.  He runs a small gas station by the highway and he lords over his domain like a king.  He wants everybody to know who’s boss and he wants to make as much money as he can in any way possible.

WHAT’S HE LIKE?  Bubba is dangerous.  He’s the kind of guy who will stab you in the back for a buck.  He will leave you dying in the dust if there’s trouble.  He’s a small man, but he has big ambitions.  As played by Pat Hingle (Commissioner Gordon in Tim Burton’s Batman) he is a joy to behold.  Hingle plays the role with relish (and an awesome southern accent) and you will be sad to see him leave.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIM DIE? NO

 

brad night of the creeps

 

WHO? Brad is the head honcho for his fraternity.  He has a good looking girlfriend, a nice car and legions of adoring frat brothers.  As an influential member of the fraternity, he gets the say in who joins and who doesn’t.  He also makes sure everybody knows it.

WHAT’S HE LIKE?  Brad is a pampered, rich asshole.  He has douchy hair (even for the eighties) and he treats his girl like dirt.  The classic asshole that most girls fall for, Brad is confident, talented and rich.  Allan Kayser plays Brad like he’s reading off cue cards.  He’s not very good.  The bad acting along with the stench of douche in every scene turns me off so I’m gonna hope that Brad gets dead.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIM DIE? YES

 

claire hellraiser

 

WHO? Julia is a rich and aristocratic housewife.  She doesn’t work.  She isn’t faithful to her wonderful husband Larry.  She is bored.  She longs for her vanished lover-on-the-side Frank with whom she had sex with just before her marriage to Larry.

WHAT’S SHE LIKE?  Julia is a miserable waste of humanity.  She has terrible attitude.  She uses people.  She likes to make everybody else miserable.  She goes from class 9 bitch to terrible demon over the course of the Hellraiser movies.  As portrayed by Claire Higgins, Julia is a blast to watch.  Her scowl is legendary, Claire must have perfected that sucker in a mirror.  She is SUCH a bitch that I enjoy every scene she’s in.  I would compare her dastardlyness to that of Cruella Deville in terms of camp value.  While she never skins any puppies, she does manage to do in a couple poor schlubs.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE HER DIE? I HAVEN’T DECIDED YET

 

stooge notd

WHO? Stooge is the “fat” guy.  He is loud, obnoxious and always has a comment.  He loves to party, but for some reason I suspect he really wants to cry.  He has no future other than running the register behind your local gas station.  He’s enjoying high school for as long as it’ll last.  Stooge is a loser.

WHAT’S HE LIKE? Picture (if you will) Jar Jar Binks in the flesh, standing right in front of you. You might have an idea of what a conversation with Stooge will be like.  Stooge might have been more comfortable back in the stone age, such is the rudimentary nature of his desires and wants.  He longs for nothing more than sex, drugs and food.  Every word that comes out of his mouth is torture, every laugh is like a demon screech.  I’ve got to hand it to Hal Havins, I sure do hate his character and I guess that’s the whole point.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE HIM DIE?  I’D LIKE TO SEE HIM WIPED FROM EXISTENCE

 

friday 7 collage

WHO? Dr. Crews is an opportunistic shyster.  He’s a psychiatrist who wants to become a celebrity.  He has found his opportunity in Tina Shepard who is experiencing emotional problems.  Melissa is a shallow, but beautiful teen bitch.  Together they form the unholy jerk duplet in Friday 7.

WHAT ARE THEY LIKE? Two, count them TWO jerks in one movie!  It’s unheard of!  Unless you’re in a slasher movie.  The Friday the 13th films set the template for the horror jerk.  Kiser skillfully manipulates the audience into thinking they hate him when actually we love him.  He smirks and smarms his way through each scene and we really should thank him for it.  Sullivan is …. a little more one-note.  She’s good and I hate her but I also love her too.  When both characters finally meet their end (this IS a Friday the 13th movie remember) I cheered.  You probably will too

DO YOU WANT TO SEE THEM DIE? MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD PLEASE

 

Who are your Horror Jerks?  Who do you wanna see die horribly in your favorite horror movies? Sound off below!