The long list of candidates for 2017’s best cock shot had to be snipped short for aesthetic purposes. Javier Bardem gives us a glimpse in mother!, and we might be remiss if we don’t appease the necrophiliac crowd with a mention of A Cure for Wellness. However, we must stand at attention and offer our salute to Mark Duplass in Creep 2. Yes, Mark, we see you there smiling with that wood in your hands.
That’s right, we’re firing from the left and right ba… er .. barrels (yeah, that’s it … barrels!). It’s a double dose of cock talk here at Modern Horrors as we now turn our attention to the grossest dick shot of the year. Kuso was a strong contender, and one of the grossest films of the year in general. However, we have no choice but to give the award to the gentile, Aaron, from Assholes (Jack Dunphy). Watch for his herpes-riddled turtle-neck to make a very prominent appearance and forever etch itself into your brain.
American Satan’s metal-themed Faustian allegory rated fairly high with us in 2017, earning praise from both Anthony and Alex. In fact, the film spawned two different albums including music from the actual movie band, The Relentless, and a forthcoming soundtrack album featuring a compilation the numerous tracks used throughout the film. That being said, it’s only the second best metal-themed horror film of 2017, as our award can go to none other than The Devil’s Candy. Turns out, Sean Byrne’s possession slasher metal opus is good for more than just making us question our sexuality. Just like Pruitt Taylor Vince, you gotta play it loud!
Like smug jocks in a slasher film, some things just gotta die. However, 2017 turned out to be a banner year for the continuation or revival of old franchises. While many actually enjoyed the seventh installments in the Saw and Child’s Play franchises, we snoozed through Amityville Awakening, missing the Rings of our wakeup call. Sleeping in, we failed to revive Flatliners, and are still waiting for Leatherface to actually show up. However, none of these films comes close to the level of unnecessari-ness of our winner: Jeepers Creepers 3. And, no, I will not ignore the 800lb gorilla in the room. The third installment in the Creeper franchise offers up an experience reminiscent of a so-bad-its-good SyFy original. It’s the kind of dumb movie audiences could just have fun with. But here’s the problem: People. Do. Not. Like. Victor. Salva. If they hate you, they don’t want to hang out for 90 minutes and have fun with you. They want you to take your creepy-ass creeper and creep the fuck on home.
Last but not least, let’s say a few words about clowns in 2017 before we give this award to Pennywise, shall we? As we predicted, 2017 was a rough year for anyone suffering from coulrophobia. The much anticipated theatrical release of IT lent itself to plenty of clown-based knockoffs. Circus Kane released last year and appears to be a version of House on Haunted Hill with an evil clown (aptly named, Evil Clown). Also released in 2017, and currently streaming on Amazon Prime, is Clowntergeist, which looks somewhat like The Ring with clowns. I’m curious to see what the new year brings, as Terrifier‘s Art the Clown looks to have an inside track to for the 2018 award. But for 2017, your scary clown of the year is, of course, Pennywise.
