Six young adults gather around a table in the basement of one of their parent’s homes.  Naturally, they decide to play with a Quija board in order to place an open call to any spirit willing to listen. Well, Jonah answers. He rises from the dead to not only kill those that summoned him, but extract revenge upon the very person that placed him in his grave. If that sounds even remotely entertaining to you…. You may want to read on.

It is apparent from the trailer alone that Jonah Lives is a low budget affair, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that in and of itself. We see countless gems made on shoestring budgets that blow our minds. Jonah Lives, frankly, is not that kind of movie. The characters are non existent. There is virtually no depth to any of them other than an overly religious (and overly annoying) do-gooder, and the dialogue between them is often cringe inducing. I always try to keep things respectful, but it all feels incredibly forced and unnatural.

Production value isn’t great, but I’ve certainly seen worse. Shots range from amateur to acceptable and the sound is all over the place. The basement door makes the exact same TCM-esque noise every single time it is opened. There is even one scene were I had to pause the movie to find out what the God awful hum in the background was… It was the film. It sounded like excess room noise that had the low end cranked for some reason.

Even so, all of the above could be tolerable if it delivers the scares… Or at least the violence. Unfortunately, Jonah Lives falls completely flat on both. Even the loudest screeching sounds on earth couldn’t force a jump scare, and the on-screen violence is quite tame. Often occurring off screen with a few buckets of blood simply appearing after the kill. That just won’t fly these days. I know it looks like I’m being pretty harsh on ol’ Jonah, and I am. Between the almost nonexistent story, subpar characters, and the lack of any real fear/suspense/senseless violence – I can’t think of a single reason to recommend Jonah Lives to anyone.

Jonah is best kept in his grave… for good.

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