Every once in a while, a movie comes along where filmmakers promise to deliver “the next great icon of horror”. They’re almost always wrong, and as a reader, it should usually serve as an immediate red flag–especially when they beat you over the head with the idea as much as Pitchfork does. So in an unsurprising revelation… No. Pitchfork is not the next icon of horror, but that’s the least of writer/director Glenn Douglas Packard’s problems.

The film follows a group of friends as they travel cross-country to meet one of their buddy’s parents. Apparently, he needs an insane amount of moral support to face his father for the first time after coming out as gay. I suppose that could be a decent setup for a rural-set horror flick, but its inclusion in this particular film offers very little; if anything at all. Simply put: the plot of Pitchfork is a non-starter. To make matters worse, the “icon” of horror (the pitchfork-handed man himself) simply arrives on this sleepy little farm for no apparent reason. One second we’re witnessing an infuriatingly choreographed dance number to Andry Grammer’s “Honey, I’m Good” (yes, really), and the next a dude is slinking around and killing folks. There’s no setup, there’s no reason, and ultimately for viewers, there’s no interest.

…the plot of Pitchfork is a non-starter.

I wish I could stop there. I do. Unfortunately, there’s more to say. I’m the type of guy that can let a poor story slide if you deliver the “horror” in excess, but Pitchfork falls flat here as well. Our killer has a strange pension for entering almost every scene he appears in as if he’s been crouched and is just now standing. It’s forgivable the first couple of times, but it eventually becomes downright humorous, and not in a good way. Beyond that, the seams of the film’s budget are obvious at every turn. A camera can clearly be seen in a car’s reflection, someone gets stabbed in the back of the head; yet blood is obviously falling from directly above, and other moments of bloodshed have the dreaded CGI “blood slash”. Even the film’s color grading is all over the place; the only constant being an absolutely cranked saturation level.

…a lack of any real scares or shock and logic gaps the size of the state of Texas…

Between a lack of any real scares or shock, and logic gaps the size of the state of Texas, Pitchfork is enough to absolutely baffle a viewer. Poor dialog, poor visuals, below average delivery, and a relatively forgettable villain are just a few of the reasons why you’ll want to pass this one up.

This sounds harsh, I get that, but Pitchfork has no defining success that is able to surpass its many imperfections and opportunities. And while the experience of seeing a feature film through production will be worthwhile for all involved, it has nothing to offer horror fans themselves.

Pitchfork hit limited theaters and VOD platforms on January 13th.

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