When I first heard professional ass kicker and shit talker Phil “CM Punk” Brooks had set his sights on acting, I let out a sigh so big I thought my whole body would deflate. “Great, another wrestler trying to break into genre film. Guess we’re going to get thirteen more See No Evil flicks” I thought. In fact, it seemed the whole world was over the “wrestler turned actor” thing. With the exception of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, it generally hasn’t turned out so well. It’s not like John “John Cena” Cena‘s turn in comedy exactly blew anyone’s cocks off. So I was skeptical of The Girl On The Third Floor “since day one”. But that was before today when Queensbury Pictures came flying from the top ropes in a pair of latex underwear and dropped one giant elbow of a teaser onto our heads.
The 55 second teaser is mostly uneventful. Mostly. The camera is focused on a kitchen sink as two women ominously discuss one of their husbands renovating the house. Not entirely sure why the house needs renovating, the kitchen sink is nicer than my whole apartment, but that’s irrelevant. There’s some talk of men never making it home from the house, and their conversation is capped off with a familiar “get your family far away from the house” bit. Pretty standard fare, but then things get…well, rather explosive. You’ll have to watch the teaser and find out for yourself.
We have a vague plot outline, but the trailer raises many questions. Why does Mr.Punk insist on renovating the house himself? Who is this other woman she’s talking to? Why is she such an expert on this house? Who is the girl on the third floor? Will CM Punk drop a GTS on her? Why is he making sexy eyes at me through that wall? Will the movie be “The Best In The World”? The full plot is as much a mystery as why anybody agrees to work for Vince McMahon.
I may have had my doubts at first, but if the punk rock pro wrestler with the Pepsi tattoo can live up to his hype, I’ll be a full on believer. The Girl On The Third Floor premiers on March 10th at SXSW, making it sound even more promising. So if you’re a fan of genre film, bloody splatter movies, or oiled up men rubbing on each other, (and who in 2019 isn’t a fan of at least one of those things?) I’d say this is one to keep your eye on.
Bursting pipes, rotting walls, and unidentifiable slime were not what Don Koch (WWE legend Phil “CM Punk” Brooks) expected when he convinced his wife Liz (Trieste Kelly Dunn of Showtime’s Banshee and Applesauce) that he could rehab their new Victorian home himself. In over his head, under duress, and tempted by his old weaknesses, Don soon discovers that the house has its own dark, sordid history and won’t be so easy to renovate after all….