How Horror Killed Your Sex Fantasies Forever

Hollywood has been glorifying the act of sex for a long time. Movies, and I’m not just talking about romantic comedies, have been making their audiences believe that the act of love and sometimes lust is the happy pill missing from their lives. Almost all movie genres do it; drama, comedy, action, romance (obviously), and any other genre that is not a subgenre of horror. Horror movies actually tend to do the exact opposite. Basically in a horror movie or TV show nothing good comes out of sex. Usually sex is followed by torture and/or death of a character, or in a rare case a demon baby. Here are few of my favorite ways horror has killed people’s sex fantasies.

*MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD*

The Killer Nature Sex

For all you nature lovers who like to get freaky in your tent or cabin – you might want to reconsider after watching Wolf Creek 2, Eden Lake, Honeymoon, and I Spit on Your Grave. In Wolf Creek 2 after having sex in their tent, the German couple is approached by my favorite Aussie Mick Taylor. Later the boy’s head is cut off, and the girl almost gets away before she is shot in the head. In Eden Lake, Jenny and Steve are planning on having a romantic time away from home when they are approached by a gang of kids who are clearly up to no good. With nowhere to run, the couple is tortured by the group of kids and eventually killed.

Note to self: Sex + Tent = Death.

Another one of my favorite example of sex being killed by horror is in the movie Honeymoon. The newlywed couple go to a family cabin for their…you guessed it….honeymoon. From a lovey dovey wedding video, to having sex in every room in the cabin, the movie definitely gives you a good view of the love Bea and Paul have for each other. However, things begin to go wrong after Paul finds Bea in middle of the woods sleepwalking naked. After Bea’s little episode; the sexual spark between the couple dies. Paul tries to rekindle their sex life and somehow ends up pulling out this root looking thing out of Bea’s lady parts. So the couple doesn’t exactly get their happy ending. Bea, the wife, becomes the surrogate mother to cute alien babies and drowns her husband to prevent him from getting hurt. Since this movie is about a couple’s honeymoon, sex is a huge topic. Of course this movie being horror means that they take the topic of sex… stab it a few times… and then throw it on the ground and stomp on it.

For all you single readers – you aren’t necessarily off the hook. It’s not only couples that get the worst of it. In I Spit on Your Grave, both the original and the remake, Jennifer goes to a quiet cabin to overcome her writer’s block. Shortly thereafter, she finds herself getting raped by numerous men. To see her being powerless and tied down really makes the situation that much more terrifying. A similar situation happens in The Last House on the Left and many other horror movies.

Finally my favorite, and probably the only movie that takes killer nature literally, is Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead. This movie takes it to a whole other level when Cheryl is rapped and possessed by a tree. So still think having sex in scenic nature is romantic?

The Disease Sex

Horror tends to take the saying “don’t have sex, or you’ll die” a little too literally. My favorite example for this is Contracted. Although it has very mixed reviews, I absolutely loved it. Contracted is about Samantha; a girl struggling to find the status of her sexuality who has drunken, unprotected, and not to mention rapey sex with a stranger. Samantha finds herself in her apartment the following morning with a terrible hangover. For the rest of the film Sam urinates blood, bleeds a river from her lady parts, loses teeth, and gets the worlds worst case of a bloodshot eyes. She pukes blood, has maggots crawling out of her snatch, and that’s just half of it. Ladies, you might want to think twice before you have an unprotected one night stand ever again.

Cabin Fever is another one that will make you cringe the next time you’re about to get frisky with your partner. The film follows young teenagers going away to a cabin with lots of alcohol in hopes of having as much sex as humanly possible. There is a very romantic scene where Paul is caressing Karen, a girl he had feelings for since they were children. Paul decides to take his romantic act a step further by moving his caressing hand downstairs…. bad move. Right when he thought he was about to get some action, he brings back a fist full of blood. You might think that would be enough to take the wind out of his sails, but Paul is determined to seal the deal….even if it kills him.

It Follows is the story of Jay; a pretty teenage girl that has sex with a guy with an entity attached to him.That entity is passed to Jay, and the only to get rid of it is to have sex with someone else .The characters in the movie do seem to be fairly young, which leads to a lot of unsettling sex scenes. Who are we kidding though? High Schoolers are probably getting more action than any of us these days. This one is for the parent out there. Sit the kids around the TV set for this one and knock some sense into their heads.

The Good Ol’ Disturbing Sex

Not that getting ambushed by kids, getting raped, or having diseases and entities attached to you is not disturbing enough, it is. But then there are those sexually disturbing movies that you need a hug and a shower after watching. I am talking about A Serbian Film. While some found this movie bearable, I found it extremely disturbing. This movie goes from a 16 years old girl watching a woman get raped to a man having involuntary sex with his 8 year old son. Call me squirmish, but I kid you not, I needed a hug after this one. Oh and how could I forget the “new born porn” part? Once you see this movie – it cannot be unseen. Of course there are more titles like this one out there but I am avoiding them for as long as possible…at least until my curiosity wins.

Whether you are planning a romantic getaway or just need a party and a few drinks to brush away the week’s stress…. just be careful where you shag and who you shag. Because in famous words of Randy in Wes Craven’s Scream “There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex. Big no no! Big no no! Sex equals death, okay?”