31 [Review]

My stance on Rob Zombie films has been consistent since around 2007. He possesses a shocking amount of talent behind the lens which can often lead to some truly beautiful, or even shocking, cinema. Alas, his Achilles heel has always been in his writing. His hyperbolic southern dialog often feels forced and falls far outside any sort of reality that I can associate with. And that’s coming from a dude that was born and raised in Tennessee. And while the trashy southern character interaction can sometimes lend itself to a narrative such as The Devils Rejects, it absolutely ruined Zombie’s later films. With that in mind, I went into 31 expecting a similar vibe as Rejects–but what i got was far from it–and hands down Zombie’s lowest point to date. 31 is a goddamn mess.

The film follows a group of people in a van. I’m not really sure what they do or where they’re going, but they’re all mostly unlikable, copy/pasted characters that serve little to no purpose other than being randomly captured a few minutes into the film. Our introduction to each comes by way of a truly cringe-worthy exchange in the aforementioned van in which I quickly realized that this is bad… really bad. Sure, Zombie’s dialogue has always been rough around the edges and stupid, but 31 feels as if it was written by a 13 year old boy who just discovered words like “fuck”, “bitch”, and “cunt”. This is going to sound hyperbolic in its own right, but I was embarrassed at how horrid the dialogue was. It was almost as if someone was making fun of a Rob Zombie film rather than actually being a Rob Zombie film.

But perhaps even more tragic is the fact that there is a major highlight in the film, and that’s the performance of Richard Brake as Doom-Head. His opening monologue is well written and well executed to the point that I genuinely thought Zombie had turned a page in his writing ability. And these moments resurface throughout the film–almost every time that Brake graces the screen. He’s fantastic, but I suppose it could be easy to look good next to this supporting cast; It’s littered with rigid performances, bad accents, and slapstick-esque line deliveries. Granted, a lot of this isn’t their fault, but just as much is. Once the murderous game of 31 began, I was practically begging for these people to die. It’s not fun and you have absolutely no one to root for.

But that’s fine, right? I went in expecting as much in the writing department, but Zombie consistently delivers when it comes to camera work and brutality… right? Wrong. Aside from having decent audio/video gear to actually shoot and record the film with, the rest of the production is downright lazy. Exaggerated dutch angles, transitions and freeze frames that make no sense, and more shaky cam than you’ll see in even the lowest of budget Found Footage films. 31 is borderline painful to watch–and I’m not talking about the dialogue anymore, I mean that actual act of placing your eyes on the screen is difficult at times. While there are one or two decent kills, I just wanted it to be over. Even the villains (save for Doom-Head) are annoying and ripped straight from the pages of an 8th grader’s notebook who still thinks swastikas are cool and the word “dildo” is funny. Even the set pieces have bland words like “hell” and “fuckers” scribbled on the walls. 31 isn’t only a poorly written and lazily shot film, it’s absolutely classless to boot.

I went into 31 wanting to like it… maybe I even wanted to love it, but if you remove the nice camera and the name of Rob Zombie, you’re left with a movie that would get absolutely ravaged by the media had it been released by just a normal man or woman. So why should you treat this one any different? You shouldn’t. Rob Zombie doesn’t get a pass for being Rob Zombie, and 31 doesn’t get a pass for being a bad movie. I calls ’em like I sees ’em.

31 will be available on VOD platforms on September 16th.